A longtime since I have written a post on here, but this next series of posts will be unlike anything I have ever done before. The Lord has pressed my heart to step out into the deep and share my most vulnerable moments from the last year in hopes to heal someone. It has been a year since my grandmother has passed, and as imagined, I've gone through every emotion possible. Grief is an interesting thing, unpredictable at times, but if not handled with care, can also be dangerous too. Thank God for the Lord who was on my side because I truly don't know where I would've been. Below is from one of my journal entries written last July, only a month after my grandma's homegoing. I pray when you read it reminds you that you are not alone in this process, and that you know grief is understanding two things can be true at once...
July 2023
I'm really just trying to process, and as much as it is impossible, I'm also trying to figure out God's plan and what He's strategically doing. What I see is different from what I know. What l feel is also different from what I know. What I see is that Xavier and Grandma are no longer here. What I feel is that they left way too quickly, and that I selfishly want them here with us on this earth. There should've been more time. However, what I know is that God’s Will for our lives is good and perfect. What I know is that His Will was accomplished & completed in each of their lives in different ways. What I also know is that we do not get to decide when we leave this world, and the people we are blessed to encounter are all a gift from God. Evidently, we belong to Him and He decides when to take us at any given moment. I do know that they are in a better place sitting with the Lord where I will get to see them again.
After Xavier's [cousin] funeral in Nov 2022, I had almost fallen into a state of depression because he was my first major loss, a loss that was so sudden. However, the enemy was defeated because through family and community God graced me for such a time. I would literally feel His arms wrapped around me in love and comfort, and He brought me peace in the midst of my sadness. Although questions remained unanswered, I continued to press knowing that God’s plan was still good and that He was in control. He gave me the strength and anointing to serve and to minister while I was still grieving. I felt inspired by looking at my cousins persevered and still show up on assignment in joy even though they had just lost their son/brother.
Yet, when my grandmother passed away all those questions and emotions came flooding right back as if I had just shoved them away. As I'm seeing the straight white line come across the heart monitor in the hospital room, my first thought that came out loud was “Why have you forsaken us, Lord?” I ultimately knew that the righteous have never been forsaken, but in that moment I felt the world fall on my shoulders. It felt like all our prayers and fasting were for nothing. I was suddenly confused like “Why God?” , “Why?”. I couldn’t see beyond my circumstance in that moment. How am I supposed to react when my whole life I have heard of and witnessed miracles in others, even in my own life, but the time that we needed one the most, God didn't perform. He could have, but he chose not to. What I'm realizing is although He didn't perform the way we wanted, He still did what He said, just in a different element. What I feel is disappointment because I knew He could heal her in the way that we prayed for, but He chose not to! The disappointment consumes me, although I know she got her healing in the gates of heaven where the Lord decided to call her home. I know that she's no longer suffering. I know that where she is now is much better than this world and was the ultimate prayer for her life.
In the last month or so, my emotions have been haywire. The pain in my heart some days feel so unbearable, it's almost like God feels so far away. What I know is that He's closer than ever in those moments. I hate feeling the opposite of what I know because despite this painful time in my life, I still choose to follow Him. I love Him too much not to. He’s been too good to me not to follow Him. Even in this moment, I still find reasons to call Him good which is the ultimate reason why I couldn't find myself mad at God. I accept His will. I say yes to it no matter what. My track record with Him is way better than whatever this world tries to offer. It will always be God for me.
However, in this journey of my relationship with God, I am left with questions that I wish I had the answers to. These questions are based upon when God doesn't show up the way we want or expect Him to. What I want to learn in this time is to surrender to His mysteries because God is Sovereign. He's in control totally from the beginning to the end. We hear so much of the greatness of God because of the miracles, signs and wonders that He performs. We don't hear much of His goodness simply when He’s not performing miracles, signs or wonders. Sometimes He just wants His presence to be enough. In this pain, I selfishly wish my grandma was here. I miss her so much. I long to hear her voice everyday. But, in this pain I also know that there is a purpose. I'll be honest, I don't know what the purpose for this pain is yet, but I know whatever it is will bring me healing and give God the glory. I'm ready for the process of healing my heart because I know God will be there. The more I begin to deny the lies of the enemy, the more I begin to feel God closer to me. I just want His presence to be enough even when things don’t turn out my way. One thing I know about God is He is not a man that He should lie, neither is he the son of man that He should repent. He never fails. He always does what the says He will do, but it might not always be in the way we expect. if He said it, it is so. He'll always be a man of His word, a covenant keeper who fulfill promises. Right now, my confusion and dissapoinntment keeps bumping heads with the knowledge that's deep inside. I just have to learn to just sit in His presence and let that be enough. Lord, let my head and heart align..
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